This is my sister Sam and I am pretty sure that she's some sort of child prodigy and I don't even care if you disagree because I know the truth.  Also, I am fairly sure she is slightly deranged, but I will go on to explain that in a moment.  Anyways, I do neat shit with her like explain the difference between ass and asshole and anything she asks actually.

Last week we were listening to the new Radiohead album In Rainbows and we were talking about the cultural significance of the album and Radiohead and then we get to the sixth song on the album, "Faust Arp" and she looks at me and is like OH MY GOD, THIS SONG.  I KNOW THIS SONG.  I WROTE IT IN MY HEAD LAST YEAR.  Honestly, I did not know what to say to that other than, REALLY, SHIT I GUESS YOU SHOULD SUE THOM YORKE.  I mean, really?

Yesterday, for reasons I am not clear on, I thought it would be a really good idea to read to her the F. Scott Fitzgerald short story, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons." For anyone not familiar with the story you are fucking illiterate, but basically Benjamin is born as an old man and he lives his life as he ages in reverse and there's all sorts of really important symbolism and messages that talks about how people are basically insignificant unless they are between the ages of 20 and 50. So as Benjamin approaches the end of his life he is a young child and eventually an infant. The way the story ends is sort of ambiguous, but Benjamin sort of fades away into the nothingness that is infancy. And Sam wanted to know what happened to him DOES HE DIE? Shit, I dunno, can you die before you are born? I guess I sort of like to think that he just sort of fades away and disappears, but I mean, here I go having another super serious existential conversation with someone with a 2nd grade education.

Anyways, we have another sister and she is an asshole, no not Gia, but THAT OTHER SISTER OF OURS THAT IS A COMPLETE MONSTER.  Yes I have a million sisters.  Anyways, I am pretty sure that Talia is going to be the cause of my parents deaths cause she is such a fucking asshole.  And I happened to mention that I thought Talia was going to give our mother a heart attack and I was like GOD, I SHOULD JUST BEAT HER IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER AND BURY THE BODY IN THE BACK YARD.  And then Sam was like YEA, I GUESS YOU COULD PLANT CORN ON TOP OF IT AND NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BUT WE COULD FEED THEM THE CORN AND THEY WOULD BE EATING TALIA.  Uh, whoa little kid.  Did you just try to sell me the ending to Secret Window?  So I call her on it and she is like OH MAN YOU ARE TOO SMART! HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.  Cause little kid, I made you.