Sometimes I am not as drunk as drinking 4 bottles of wine alone is drunk, but right now that is my drunk--fuck your mother. This is where I am both hostile and sexual at the same time. In this moment I miss the old loser I used to fuck not because I liked him and expected to spend QUALITY TIME with him forever, but because that moron knew how to fuck angry and hard. Too bad I deleted all the numbers in my phone or I would make him fuck me and tell him I still loved him and then erase him from my fucking life. Idiot. Yea. But as a drunk no one knew that I had his phone number would be so readily available in my bills.....

I have no idea what that even says before I made mention of the idea of calling him--which if you are a moron, means I called him--oh Christ, he is still in love with me, and I still miss the sex. GOD I SO MISS THE SEX SO MUCH IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL. Ok I don't want to have to miss someone to feel like something is wrong or right FOR CHRIST'S SAKE I JUST MISS THE SEX. THE BAD, DIRTY ANGRY HARD-CORE SEX. How am I going to make up for how I am dragging him back in--when I know I am running away for as long as that will take me--expect to make great sex in big anger and I will be back. God, I love great sex with anyone and anything cause I love great results. HELP. HELP ME. YES!!!!

Tomorrow I won't miss anything. Tomorrow I will be like OH MY GOD, WHY THE MOTHER FUCK DID YOU CALL ME-- BUT HE WAS ALREADY LIKE AHHHH CRAZY BITCH (he never said any of that) BUT I SAID MY TOTALLY HORRIBLE PIECE AND HE WAS LIKE "These are the things that you held back, why are you so angry?"

God, someone help me find an angry--fucked up man in Los Angeles to blame all this shit on--and some other man to help me pretend to want to get over it cause there isn't anything at all to talk about.