Oh my God, let me take this opportunity to highlight you on the monstrosity that is alcoholism. I am so hungover that I cannot even sleep. I was lying in bed for like 80 million hours or something and then I finally had to be like FUCK THIS, I NEED SOME PEDIALITE, A LOBOTOMY AND TO DIE OUTSIDE BY THE POOL. So now I am outside by the pool letting the sun attempt to cook me but I am wearing a hat so fucking gigantic and leopard that it looks like I got it from the second hand, hooker rack from the day-after Kentucky Derby Sale. Fucking Amazing.

Let me highlight ya'll a few things that I am capable if you pump me full of enough alcohol and drugs. I can make my friend (and ex) try and leave his girlfriend for me cause I AM GETTING BORED at the bar. And then when I realize it is turning into some sort of sordid psycho-sexual drama I call up another ex that is scared to see me because I just about put him in the looney bin with my games and whatnot and make him come and see me. And then I get bored of that and act like I am going to take a phone call outside and I take off and pick up my sister and say things like WHOA, I AM DRIVING WITHIN THE LINES, THIS IS FUCKING RADICAL. And yes, I continue to use slang terms like "Radical" in my everyday lexicon. Tubular!

Moving right along, my sister and I find ourselves at mother fucking YumYum Donuts cause that is all that's open at 4am in the fucking creepy suburb I live in. My sister wants to know what to order and I rip a poster down and was like UH, I DUNNO, GET THE FRANKENSTEIN MIX IN THIS POSTER because the poster has a cute little Frankenstein with a million donuts around him and because at that stage of drunkenness pictures and pointing is pretty important in the communication game. While she goes inside to deal with that situation I go out and pis next to the dumpster behind YumYums. Apparently, it will take the little Mexican dude 20 minutes to figure out what the fuck a Frankenstein Mix is, but when he does you get like 8 thousand donuts that have orange and black sprinkles on them. What's even better is that brosef with the limited English vocabulary sees you between 3 & 4am almost nightly because it is the only place in fucking town to get a cup of coffee. The problem being, at 4am you look like the undead without makeup, wearing a baseball cap, probably smelling like ass and hell combined & are in man pajamas cause they are actually way more comfortable to lounge in. And it takes him even longer to realize the you in front of him in a leopard party dress and bright red hookerescent platform heels is the same person. Everyone high fives and then my sister tries to see if she can get him to get us high but he is ALL OUT. One of the many rockin traits about my sister is that she will solicit drugs from anyone in any way. Remember that time she got room service in San Francisco to get us high for free? Party time, EXCELLENT! It's around this time that I decide I am too drunk to drive or even walk and I insist on getting a cab because I am fucking cold and my sister is like UH, IT IS A 10 MINUTE WALK HOME SO JUST FUCKING DRIVE. So I drive home while my sister responds to a text from one of my exes that said something like DON'T DIE. I think her response was UH, I AM DEAD FROM TONS OF ORGASMS. THANK GOD.