"I'll fuck your dog for twenty nickels!" God, whenever I am suddenly nervous those are the first words that come out of my mouth. There are circles where I am clearly known as TWENTY NICKELS. I guess that's all I have to say about that, other than when I am super nervous I turn into Eric Cartman and go around screaming that I fuck dogs or touch my cousin's wiener. Whatever.

I was recently reminded of something that happened not too long ago. I was looking DAPPER, mother fucking DAPPER as hell in the cutest polk-a-dotted frock with bright red heels while walking down Camden Avenue in stupid Beverly Hills. There are times when I wish I just blended into the background and this was one of those time. A troop of photographers, paparazzi if you will, were camped outside the building I had business in & as I walked by it was like a frenzy of the most sordid sort. I mean, I have had men scream lewd things are me tons of times and I have screamed back, but then none of them were carrying a camera so it could be blasted all over fucking TMZ. So I had to just sort of keep walking, even though I could hear some fucking asshole yelling HEY TITS, TURN AROUND FOR THE CAMERA. Hey fucko, how about you suck my dick. Anyways, as my policy goes I avoid reality television cause that shit is for dopes and dickheads. But let me tell you something, I never wanted to be famous and that shit solidified for me how much I never want to be famous ever cause it makes total sense why people like Lily Allen go nutzo and kick down a photographer. Those motherfuckers can be foul as hell.

Erin arrives in Los Angeles on Thursday. I guess that's when the posting will halt. I'll return as soon as someone posts bail. P.S. Erin and I have decided the most hilarious thing ever will be to fucking patronize Dr. Aric the Armenian Pharmacist (not actually Armenian, not a pharmacist) because he is still asking me out even though he says he knows I can never love him and I showed up to his house last week and when he went to make me a drink I ran outside, jumped in my car and drove away--when he texted me asking where I went I told him to get fucked good and proper. That was Wednesday. On Friday he texted me asking me to come hangout. WITH THE POWER OF THE TWO OF US THIS MAN WILL BE REDUCED TO TEARS IN NO TIME. That will happen after I demand he pump us full of pills. Please read my blog to your children in the tone of a church hymnal or prayer. Amen.