Today was my final day at work. This is the first time I have stuck it out and finished my entire two weeks notice. This is the first time I gave a two week notice and did not have my sister call my boss three days into it and tell them I fell off a cliff and died on impact, I got hit by a car or I stumbled down a flight of stairs and am in a coma. I am beaming grownupness all over the fucking place right now. I am not even drunk and having sex with a stranger to celebrate. In this moment, I exemplify everything I am not.

I used to home school a high school senior. It was like screaming OH MY GOD, I AM THE KEEPER OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE--AND IT IS SAVED RIGHT IN THE BOTTOM OF THIS BOTTLE OF WHISKEY! Mostly, I would show up and be hungover or still drunk and be like THIS IS NOT AN EXAMPLE OF HOW TO BE A GROWNUP, THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF BEING AWESOME. And then we'd watch a movie and I would break down Old English text for him in layman's terms then race home to sleep off my hangover. Like everything else in my life, the glorious excess caught up with me and I woke up in San Francisco after a night of heavy drinking. Being fully functional in a blackout means making fully functional decisions about leaving town with other people loaded out of their minds and then escaping LA via the concrete coastline and waking up only to realize you've basically quit your job. I do the same thing with relationships. I am famous for breaking up with someone by merely disappearing from fucking sight. Only, I never make my friends call all the different men and tell them I am dead or dying. They have to decide that on their own.