Ever since I have been a little kid my dad has kept this picture of my Great Uncle Jack in the garage, above his workshop. Creepily enough, Uncle Jack looks like his head is bursting out of a giant ball of fire and I have been afraid of it probably my entire life. My mother forbid him from bringing it into the house cause I would burst into tears because Uncle Jack looked like the giant looming head that fronted as the Wizard in the Wizard of Oz. So Uncle Jack spends eternity in a gaudy gold frame hovering over my father while he tinkers away on frivolous shit. If we could become anymore stereotypically Italian my nipples would turn into spouts and red wine would pour from them while every time I opened my mouth all I could do was yell and food would pour from my lips--not like barf, but actual meals. God, I sound more and more insane each day.

Speaking of insane, my mother used to have this painting of a clown that hung in our bathroom when I was a kid. When I initially wrote that sentence it said "when we were kids," but you were not a kid with me and probably most of you have never met me. At any rate, you were not a kid in my house, but I like that I think in the editorial sense. It makes me that much more awesome. Anyways, there was this horrible fucking clown painting hanging on the bathroom wall, watching me every single time I was in the bathroom. It drove me crazy. I couldn't even pee. At first, I chose to piss in the shower because it gave me a bit of privacy, but I eventually got sick of having to get in the shower to take a piss and I moved on and started taking the painting down whenever I had to use the bathroom. Creepy clown man, watching me pee was entirely too much for me and soon I was like I AM AFRAID TO PEE BECAUSE OF THE CLOWN. This sort of astounded my mother because I think she thought she'd designed a kids bathroom that was fun and fancy free, but instead it was like a fucking nightmare. Long story short, my parents are fucking nuts. This is not a shocking allegation. I should probably continue by writing about the new guy I am seeing, but instead I will just lie in bed for 30 minutes and then go running