I think this picture about sums up what is going on in my life. If I was hyper amazing and clever I would just end this post right there and have the 6 of you reading be like WHAT, YOU ARE A STREET WALKING DOMINATRIX? And then I could kill this blog too and die knowing I faked out the internet with my savvy, vixen photographs. Too bad there is way too much to brag & bitch about otherwise I could be the coolest loser on the internet right at this moment.

Seriously, why is it that I feel like everyone is going slower or I am going at hyper speed. I am feeling like that all the time and not just when I am in a heated conversation. I feel like that all the time: when I'm driving, when I'm peeling an orange, when I am in line at the fucking grocery store. I am moving at the speed of light and everyone else is basically just hanging out and dwelling. I hate to stress in each post how all of this shit sounds way better in my head, but it usually does.

You know what else sounds better in my head, being with one person. Oh my god, men are quite possibly the greatest pains in the asses of all time. First of all, this new guy made me fucking barter with him to get fucked because he was sure if we started having sex I would never show up again and how in the world could he find some other strange minx that could drink, fuck & fight like the man that he isn't--god we will never know. That man made me wait a week to have sex. Then finally I had to turn into Courtney Love pre-rehab and be like IF YOU DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH ME TONIGHT I AM LEAVING FOREVER BECAUSE NOW I HAVE EATEN ALL YOUR PILLS AND AM NOT MAKING SENSE BUT I REALLY, REALLY WANNA FUCK AND THAT IS THE OPTION YOU HAVE.

Now I am fucking this actor-idiot on the regular and last weekend he called me his girlfriend in casual conversation and I pretended I didn't hear it cause when you validate shit like that you perpetuate the problem. I, on the other hand, ignore basically everything and then start fights based on nonsense. Look, I am sorry that the female friend you had come and visit from San Diego was hyper intimidated by my gigantic tits. I am even sorry that I made things worse and left all crazy like in a huge Scarlet O'Hara scene in the middle of your apartment where you felt the need to chase me to my car almost to the point of screaming STELLA on your knees, but I am not sorry that I will use the fact that I decided to leave cause I made things super awkward against you for the rest of time. I am also not sorry that I stole that bitches glasses. However, I am sorry that you are blaming Gia for stealing them and I am sorry I am lying about it, but fuck it. I will eventually be lying about cheating on you, this much I know--and knowing is half the battle. YO, JOE!